A Christmas Letter From Kelly

This is an email I got from Kelly last year after she put up her Christmas Tree. I think it is hilarious, so I cleaned up the language (which was not as quickly done as one might think for a beautiful Christmas tale) and here it is.
Don't feel too bad for her. She got a new one at the end of the season last year for like 80% off. Thanks to me calling her and telling her to get to Target.

On a beautiful Christmas note, I put up my twice hand me down Christmas tree today.(This is where my sarcasm, and true feelings are revealed) Well, I attempted to raise the sun of a gun, and since the thing is older than I am, it started shedding fake green needles throughout my house, and then the actual branches began to literally fall off. Once the tree was finally up, I got out my favorite lights in the whole world and started putting them on the tree. Imagine my surprise when the last two strings would not light up. There was no twinkling, there was no beautiful soft glow coming from the top of the tree....it was dark. And because I was such a genius when I bought these "perfect" lights, of course I got just exactly enough lights to cover the tree; not even a extra strand for just in case. These are not your everyday, run of the mill twinkle lights; these are "Dew Drop Lights." They are supposed to give your tree a "magical" glow. These are the lights that I hid in a suitcase at Target waiting for the day after Christmas sale so I didn't have to mortgage the house to buy the expensive things. After 30 minutes of replacing the little dew drops one by one, they finally came to life!! It should have gone smoothly from there right???? WRONG!!! Imagine putting a new, gorgeous ornament on a branch, backing up to commend yourself on a perfect positioning of it, and then watching the damn branch break off, and your gorgeous new ornament shatter to pieces. I can describe this moment again for you, and just replace the color of the ornament since this lovely situation happened another 4 times. There was also a very close call with another ornament, but I figured out that when the branch starts to sag, it's probably a good thing to take the ornament off of it, and just rip the branch out!!! I finally started to realize something; this tree is revolting against Christmas, and is begging to be donated to Goodwill. I would take it to Goodwill right now, but since I wasted time to put lights on it and put numerous ornaments on it, I've decided that this will be the Christmas with the chest hair tree. What do you mean you say...well, you know how men get patches of hair on their chests, and there are always patches that have no hair as well, my tree is like that, only branches instead of hair. As you can tell, it was one hell of an experience, and I have decided that next year, I'm not having a Christmas tree. I hope your tree erecting goes smoother than mine did.
Merry Christmas From Kelly!!!

I hope you laugh as hard as I do every time I read this.